I don't need your validation

I remember age 9 feeling my blue PE tee shirt cling to my skin and I felt inadequate. I would pull and tug at my shirt, it didn't fit right. That was the first time I remember feeling fat.

I was 10 when a boy told me to run laps around the block, saying I was too fat to compete for a race. In that same year, a female friend told me that I was out of shape and pointed out that I didn't have a waist.

I was 11 when male friend told me, if you lost a bit of weight, you would be 'alright'.

I was age 15 when a male teacher commented that I was fat, leaving me questioning why all my friends had washboard abs, perfect jawlines and were thin.

I was 17 when my sister's boyfriend told me I was too fat because I'd pick a side of chips over having Chinese.

I'd tell myself I was too fat for anyone to want to be around me, that people looked at me differently. And to this day, I believe that. 

I could talk about how I have been told time and time again, that 'fat' was the the worst thing you could possibly be. I could talk about all the times I was made to feel ashamed of my body and how I brushed it off. I could talk about these things, but I rarely do.

Since I was ten years old, I have been told that my body is not my own, that my feelings of discomfort are not my own, that my voice shouldn't be heard, that I might as well get used to it. I have taught myself to suppress my gut instinct upon meeting people who were rude. I have been taught to be polite, to suck it up if I felt mad. When I did complain, I have been told that I was oversensitive and irrational.

The underlying message is, how dare I try and assert any kind of control over the way I feel about my own body?

I write this now from a place where I've struggled with every diet, and I urge you now to find strength in your being. You don't have to try to be someone else because people have told you that you're not good enough. You don't have to binge, purge and starve yourself skinny to please the people who cannot value you for who you are. You don't have to be obsessed with the idea of perfection, that's so often warped and unattainable by society's standards. Being happy, healthy and intelligent lands far closer to perfection than looking thin.

I refuse to apologize for the way I feel, I refuse to be shamed for my body or spend a whole day anxious about if anyone's going to notice that I forgot to shave a patch of leg hair. I wasn't put on this earth to spend my time apologising for my existence and I refuse to let anyone make me feel like I have to. You can’t shame me for something I’m not ashamed for. I don't need your validation to be my own person.